Upcoming Holidays

I've been working a lot over the last few weeks. Last week I worked 7 days in a row. My mom will be coming out to visit at the end of this week, and while she is here, we will be spending 2 days in Big Bear. I want to work on my snowboarding, and I've only tried it twice. Last time I went, I ended up not fitting into my snowboarding gear from the first time I went, and I had to buy new clothes from the men's section at a snowboarding shop. It was so expensive, because it was local and last minute. I was really depressed. Since I don't want a repeat of that experience, I decided last week to eat mainly salads until the trip. I've been eating some other foods here and there, but mostly staying away from the carbs. It's been raining a lot, so I've occassionally been making chili at home. It's canned, from the grocery store, and it's quick and easy and filling. At Bloomingdales, I can get a chicken salad for just over $7 with my employee discount. It's decent. Nothing special, as far as salads go, but it's better for me than a Bloomies burger. Tonight I splurged a little and ordered carne asada from El Torito Grill, which isn't bad itself necessarily but comes with little scoops of corn cakes. I figured, one night a week shouldn't hurt me if I've been sticking to my plan all week. I haven't gotten much exercise in, except for the hours of walking around the store returning clothes to different departments. I know in some ways that counts, but it's not targeting different areas of my body. AND MY FEET HURT! I told Joe he could buy me a foot spa for Christmas. It would be nice to have a foot spa. You can find them at almost any drug store, so it shouldn't be a difficult gift.

If my salads pay off, I will try to continue with a low carb diet and have 1 day a week to splurge. I should know more by next week, right before I go to Big Bear. Since I missed a blog last week, I had gained a little before implementing the salads plan, and now i'm back to where I started during my last blog.

Another friend from high school found me on Facebook tonight. Even though he wasn't an old boyfriend, I'm still motivated. It's hard, because at the store I see all these cute clothes that I can picture myself in when I am thinner. I'm just not sure how realistic it all is.


Week: 49
Weight: 235.2
Pounds gained: 0.2
Total pounds lost: 21.8
Size: 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 85.2

In Pain

My post-Thanksgiving blog... I guess in theory it's the biggest food day of the year. Which is ironic because, for as much as I love food, it's my least favorite holiday. I could care less about turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, yams, cranberries, sweet potatoes, stuffing.....

Joe was struggling with whether or not he was going to spend it with his daughter at her mom's house, or with me. I told him he should just go - we had talked about it months ago and decided then that he would spend Thanksgiving with them and Christmas with me, because Christmas is also my birthday and it would probably be the last one we spend together since I am moving back to Texas next year. I told my friend Elena that I would spend Thanksgiving with her while she was housesitting. I made a southern macaroni and cheese dish and biscuits, and she made a chicken with stuffing, yams, and corn. It all came out really good, and perfect for 2 people. But something happened to me that day. I'm not sure when, or how, but I developed a serious lower back pain.

Is it possible to sit down to eat a meal, and have eaten so much that by the time you stand up, your back gives out to the new weight it has to support? Because I can't think of anything else I did that day that would constitute the pain I now have. Its been here ever since Thanksgiving day, and mostly I feel it when I bend over or go from a sitting position to a standing position.

What's worse is the the pain makes it practically impossible to do anything physical that I might otherwise try to do to exercise off some of my weight gain. I've tried popping my back, applying heat, doing some slow stretches... nothing helps. All I can do - I've been doing - is not eat so much in these days that have followed, so that I might lose some weight from not eating so much. From what I can tell, it's working, but it also makes me a bit lethargic. I don't have great energy. And that really becomes apparent when I'm at work. It's the holiday season. I've had to work all this weekend. I finally had today off, but when you are working retail during the holidays, those 7 and 8 hour days of standing on your feet can really get to you.

Here's hoping the pain goes away this week.



Week: 47
Weight: 235.0
Pounds lost: 3.6
Total pounds lost: 22
Size: 16/18
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 85

Losing Focus

It's been a few months since my last post. After the trip to Washington, I had a hard time getting back on track. Mostly, I was stressed about not having a job, and my unemployment was running out. I had found a job, if you could call it that, with a real estate law firm that helped people who were at risk of losing their homes due to the economy. It is one of the top law firms in the country in terms of real loan modifications. But, it paid out on straight commission. So, if I didn't close a deal, I didn't make any money. I gave it a try for 3 weeks, and while I consider myself to be good at sales, I found it difficult. It was easier to convince people to spend $5000 to organize their home than it was to convince them to spend $3000 to save their home. Everyone else there seemed to be finding success, and while I learned a lot in the 3 short weeks that I was there, my heart just wasn't into it.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine recommended me for a position at a retail store he worked at. It was an adult novelty store in Silver Lake. It wasn't exactly something I was interested in, but I half-heartedly filled out an application, and 2 weeks later (while I was at the law firm) they called me to inform me that they were actually considering me for store manager. They did an hour long interview with me over the phone, but working for an "adult" product store wasn't really something I cared to do either, and it would be a bit of a drive, so I finally told them that I am considering moving in the new year, and I don't think it would be fair to allow them to train me to run their store when I didn't really plan on sticking around for very long. They appreciated my honesty and that was the end of that.

I finally just decided to apply anywhere and everywhere, figuring that since the holidays were approaching that my best bet would be to get back into retail. Retail would sustain me thru the holidays until I move, and it's the kind of job I don't have to commit to long term. So I started mall-hopping until last week, when I started at Bloomingdales. I worked for Bloomingdales in Century City a few years ago, from 2004-2005. I was a specialist in the Shop for Women, the plus size women's collection. It was actually a pleasant place to work, and I was about a size 14 at the time, so I was on the small end of that department, and an extra large in other regular departments. I bought a lot of really nice clothes back then, most of which I haven't worn yet. Not that I couldn't fit them then, but I wanted to wear them well. I am hoping that, by returning to Bloomingdales, I will be surrounded by the mindset that I can wear most of these clothes if I do my part to keep losing weight.

I finally cancelled my gym membership. It really was too expensive, and far. So now, the burden of exercise is completely on me. I have no help, except 7 pre-paid spinning classes and the park down the street to jog in. I have to work on getting up to do it though, and that still remains a challenge.

I have also, in the last few months, found my first boyfriend on Facebook. Time hasn't been kind, but I can still see the guy I knew when I look at his pictures. He is married now and has a daughter, and he said that when I move back to Texas, we should meet for lunch one day. I was about 180 pounds the last time he saw me. I want to make sure I reach my goal of 150 if we ever really do meet. It's just one of those things, you know? You want to look good so he can see what he missed. Rub it in without saying a word. Right now, I wouldn't meet him. And truthfully, one of my friends thinks it's just wrong to meet him because he's married. So I don't know. It's just lunch. I don't even find him attractive anymore. But what a great incentive to get back on track, right? Shouldn't I be happy for anything that motivates me?


Week: 46
Weight: 238.6
Pounds gained: 2.2
Total pounds lost: 18.4
Size: 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 88.6

Recovery

I made it home from Washington D.C. All in all, it was a great trip. I had lots of fun, saw the sights, and had a great time with my mom. But it was also a wake up call for me. With the trip, combined with my 10 days of dogsitting (and whatever else I gained thanks to my period), my weight went up almost 10 pounds! 10 pounds! In a 2 week period! I thought with all the walking, surely it would help. I averaged about 6 miles per day. But it was all flat surface walking, and none of it was fast enough to break a sweat because my mom can't walk very fast. So in hindsight, I'm sure my heart rate didn't increase much. And of course, every meal is eaten out. It really proved to me that vacationing can be dangerous to the waistline.

I was thinking about Bethenny's rules for "thinking thin", and how one of the rules that's helped me at home is just knowing what something tastes like has deterred me from eating it - I know what Oreo cookies taste like, so I don't need to keep buying them. I know what chips taste like, so I don't need them. But on vacation, on a different coast, you don't really know what things taste like. I don't mean Oreos are different. But things in the restuarants. Food might taste fresher, or might be cooked differently. It makes it a lot harder to go into a restaurant on vacation and order a salad, because what if the crab cakes are better here than in LA? What if the bbq ribs or the cajun pasta is something I can't get back home? I'm not sure... maybe it's just the weak argument of a remorseful chunky girl who's heavier now than she was 3 weeks ago.

I have, since returning from my trip, worked out every single day, and some of the 10 pounds has fallen off. I only have 4 pounds to go. But from what I can tell, once I've reached my ideal weight, I will need to diet 2 weeks prior to any traveling in order to lose the 10 pounds that I will end up gaining when I am gone.

As a side note, I have incredible shoulder/neck pain from carrying my bags on the traveling days of this trip. My mom and I flew from D.C. to Atlanta, GA together, and from there I was to fly to LA and she would fly to Dallas. But our plane in D.C. took off 45 minutes late because the weather was too bad in Atlanta to land. So by the time we got to Atlanta, we had both missed our connecting flights. My mom got rebooked onto the last flight out to Dallas that night, but I had to spend the night in Atlanta and fly out to LA the next morning. If you've ever been to the airport in Atlanta, you know it's no fun. There's about 6 terminals and you have to take shuttles between them. And they are always changing the gates at the last minute. So you can be waiting for 2 hours at the scheduled gate, and 30 minutes before they are supposed to start boarding, they announce that your gate has changed and you have to go all the way to an opposite terminal for your flight. It's a nightmare. I spent the night in a sad little motel that smelled like pee and slept 2 hours before having to go back to the airport.


Week: 37
Weight: 236.4
Pounds gained: 4.0
Total pounds lost: 20.6
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 86.4

Trials and Tribulations of Traveling

So I've been missing for over a week, largely due to the fact that I've been dogsitting in someone else's home, and not near my blog. I dogsat a yellow lab named Cody in his home for 10 days. 10 days in a house with a gourmet kitchen, to make all those dishes from Food Network that I've been dying to make, and I didn't make a thing except macaroni and cheese. I was too afraid to use the 6-burner stainless steel stove... what if I broke it? I can't owe someone a new stove! Plus, upon rummaging thru the kitchen, I didn't find any cookware that I could realistically use to make any of the dishes in my recipe box. So 10 days of no workouts, sitting on a couch watching TV-PG rated programming (the family has 2 kids and blocked all shows over TV-PG, and forgot to leave me the code to watch regular TV). I knew I gained. I felt the pounds crawling on me. Then, the last day I was there, I got my period. More weight!!!

I ended my service there on Monday night and returned to my life, to my dog that now has separation anxiety when I leave the house (who didn't have separation anxiety before I left to dogsit), and to prepare for a 5 day trip to Washington D.C. with my mother.

It's day 1 of my trip - yesterday was my travel day to get here. I decided to bring my pedometer on this trip to see how much walking I do. Yesterday, the process of "getting here" was quite an ordeal.

My flight left LAX at noon, but I didn't have a ride to the airport. My friends all either work or are, for lack of greater explanation, unreliable. I decided since I am financially challenged, that I would take a city bus to the Van Nuys Flyaway. The Van Nuys Flyaway is a bus station in Van Nuys that specifically takes you to LAX. There are no stops along the way and they depart every 30 minutes on the hour and the half hour. Just straight from their bus station to the airport for $7. I mapped out the city bus route to get to the flyaway. Bus #237 took me straight there. I had to catch it outside my apartment at 9:18am, it would drop me there at 9:38am, just in time to buy my ticket and take the 10am bus to LAX and catch my noon flight. So I went outside to the bus stop. Another girl was waiting for the same bus and we started talking. The bus was about 5 minutes late, and we were ready to get on. Then, it drove right past us.

The next bus, #233, came and stopped for us, but it wasn't going where we needed to go. We told the driver what happened and he offered us to get on and he would try to catch up to #237. Well, he didn't catch up to #237. He dropped me off where I could catch another bus that would drop me off 2 blocks from the flyaway. So I caught bus #163 and got off where he said. But it wasn't 2 blocks to the flyaway. It was 8 blocks to the flyaway. Unfortunately, I had packed everything for my trip in my oversized gym bag and my computer in another bag, so I was carrying 2 bags and my purse - nothing had wheels to make my journey easier. Did I mention I'm still on my period and it's really freaking hot outside?

I get to the flyaway at 10:05am, sweat running all down my face and chest into my bra. You can purchase tickets for the flyaway bus two ways - thru an automated kiosk or at the ticket booth. When I got inside, there was a HUGE line. The automated kiosk was out of order, so everyone had to wait in line for the ticket booth. But I noticed the line wasn't moving AT ALL. The woman in the booth wasn't selling tickets. I asked the woman in line next to me to save my place in line and went to investigate. There was a bus outside with people on it, but it was 10:15am. Was this the 10am bus or the 10:30am bus? I asked. Turns out the 10am bus broke down, so all the passengers and luggage had to transfer to the bus that should have been for the 10:30am passengers, a new bus was ordered for the 10:30am passengers, but would take 40 minutes to arrive. To top that off, there was an accident on the freeway and it was taking an hour to get to the airport. By my calculations, I would be arriving right about the time my flight was scheduled to leave. So after all that work to get to the flyaway, I took a cab to LAX for $60.00. I checked in on time and made my 5-hour flight to D.C., ready to collapse.

While I don't have a totaly weight for this trip (no scale in the hotel), I can tell you from my pedometer that yesterday I walked slightly over 8000 steps, or 4 miles. Today we walked to the Smithsonian museums, totaling 16,632 steps, or just over 8.25 miles. I brought gym clothes on this trip so that I can use the gym in the hotel, but I'm wondering if all this walking is exercise enough?

The Power of the Process

I won't underestimate the power of exercise. It works. And I didn't even go to the gym as many times as I wanted, but when I was there, I stayed longer and did more. So if I actually go as much as I keep telling myself to, I could possibly lose more. I need to try that and see what is possible: what's the maximum I can lose if I am there everyday for a week?

I am waiting on my last unemployment check. It's not sitting well with my self-esteem that I'm still unemployed. Today I was thinking about how, in Los Angeles, looks are so significant. I wonder how many jobs turn down candidates because they aren't pretty enough to represent the company, or draw in the right clientele. My former job was like that. My boss was tall, thin, and blonde, and she hired women who were thin and pretty to work for her. A mutual friend was helping her brand her business, and mentioned to her that she only hired pretty people. She responded by saying that wasn't her intention behind why she hired them... that they just all happened to be pretty people. But then when we had to hire more organizers, the best candidate for the job was an older, slightly heavyset woman, and I felt she was extremely qualified for the job because she already had years of experience. My boss on the other hand thought her weight would be a problem on the job - that she wouldn't move as fast as the other workers and would be clumsy around the clients' homes. And based on that, she didn't hire her. I was offended by my boss's decision. As I've been looking for jobs, I've found some ads that actually say one of their qualifications is that the candidate be "attractive". Others aren't as direct. Instead, they will just ask you to submit a photo so they can keep track of "who's who". Am I still unemployed because I'm fat? At this point, I'd have to say no. I haven't been on any interviews yet to be turned down from, so they haven't seen me yet in order to turn me down because of my weight. But it's a concern. I feel like I have to make up for it by having good skin, stylish hair, lots of makeup, etc. Didn't Tyra Banks do an undercover thing once where she donned a fat suit and went out? And she got looks from people and others ignored her? I feel like if I don't lose this weight, that's the life I'm subjecting myself to.


Week: 33
Weight: 232.4
Weekly pounds lost: 2.0
Total pounds lost: 24.6
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 82.4

My Dream Job

I've been working out like crazy! Not everyday, I missed 2 days this week, but I have gone in and done some kind of workout on all the other days. It feels good to be active again. I'm going again today, after I write this blog and check on my friend's cat.

I've noticed as I cook more, I haven't been able to go potty as easily. I need to take some kind of fiber suppliments, I think. Or maybe I need to make sure that one of my meals each days is a salad... something I actually haven't had in a while, although I've been eating other vegetables... hmm....

Yesterday I accepted, then declined an invitation to lunch with a friend. I would have ended up ordering a salad anyway, but I declined it so that I could stay and work out longer, and also not spend money on a fancy restaurant. It felt really good to be able to say no, and not be tempted. As I've been losing weight, I've started to recognize more how important food is to some of my friends. So many decisions get based around food. I start to get a little self-conscious about how I've been like that in the past, and probably still am to a degree. When I travel home, I think about all the restaurants that I want to go visit while I'm there. On the rare occassions that I bring someone home with me, the trip becomes about me taking them places to eat. It would be weird for me to bring someone home for whom food is not a big deal, because then they'd think I was obsessed, and they'd be right....

My mom invited me to go on a trip in September with her to Washington D.C. We will be there 5 days. I really want this to be the first trip where I don't think about the food. She said that breakfast comes with our hotel everyday, so I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum and only healthy things. I also need to check the hotel's website and see if they have a gym, and bring some workout clothes if they do.

I went and saw the movie Julie and Julia. It's the epitome of NOT losing weight. But it is about people who love food, so I guess I could relate. I'm sure if I wasn't trying to lose weight, I'd be trying out some of the easier recipes. But they are all French recipes, and I don't even think my kitchen could accomodate them. So I'm not even tempted to try. But the one thing that I did get interested in about the movie is that the girl writing her blog about cooking Julia's recipes did not do anything to promote her blog, but she just naturally got followers. How does that happen? I'm not sure. But I would like more followers... Maybe my blog just isn't that interesting? If I had the funding, I'd want to do a blog about traveling for weight loss. I'd travel to places where I'd only be doing activities condusive to weight loss, and per my abilities. I wouldn't have rock climbing be the first challenge. Maybe more like nature hikes, and canoeing down a river. As I build up more energy, I'd gradually get into the more strenuous challenges, like rock climbing, or cross country skiing. Is cross country skiing strenuous? I'm not sure. I'd love to master snow boarding. I'd like to be a Samantha Brown of weight loss (that's a Travel Channel reference, fyi). I wonder if they'd be interested in a show like that? Then, at the end of 1 year, or 1 season, see how much weight I've lost. Obviously, I'd have to travel to places that offer physical attractions, even if it's just walking everywhere, or a place where bicycles get you around. I still want to focus on attractions of the destination, but somehow make them into a physical activity. I think that would be the most fun way to lose weight.


Week 32
Weight: 234.4
Weekly pounds lost: 0.4
Total pounds lost: 22.6
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 84.4

What's Behind the Excuse?

So, I finally recovered a slow recovery. I think it's a tedious process. I really wish there was an easy, magic cure, because I do get sick a lot. So now I am well, and trying to get back on the horse, so to speak. I'm cooking my regular healthier meals again, and slowly working out. Need to do more though. It's hard getting back on that wagon. I wonder if this is what it is like for alcoholics to get clean again... isn't it all emotional in the end?

Here's the problem: Excuses. Excuses excuses excuses. I can write lots of reasons why but in the end they are all excuses. And I'm confused as to what's an excuse and what's real, or can they be real? The line is blurry and I'm not even sure it exists. The heat is an excuse. Being sick is an excuse. Now that I'm well again, I've started my period... another excuse. Where is the line? Is there one, or do I just want there to be so I can define it and use it to my benefit when I'm feeling lazy?

I am still watching Dance Your Ass Off on the Oxygen network, and those people are eating healthy and exercising everyday, and no one has moved backwards on the scale. Some of them have even sustained injuries during practice and still deliver their dance routine that week. Which means to tell me that without consistent exercise, I can easily move in the wrong direction, regardless of what I eat. So I guess tomorrow morning I am going to buck up and go to the gym. I have to get in the mindset that cramps can't stop me. I think I am slowly realizing that I'm not as committed as I thought when I really look at what stops me. I look at other atheletes... people who have bodies that I hope to have one day.... and I see it takes them a lot of work and time. And they are dedicated. Barring some serious injury, they put in the time everyday. The little things aren't stopping them. So I need to follow in those footsteps if I plan to slim down and KEEP it off. I have the time, so really, there's no excuse.


Week 30
Weight: 234.8
Weekly pounds gained: 3.6
Total pounds lost: 22.2
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 84.8

Sick Again?!

Well, you might have noticed that after my promise to post my daily carb intake for 1 week, I failed to post beyond Day 1. Unfortunately, I got sick again... Last weekend Joe's daughter came over with a sore throat and cough, and I think that's where I got it. So I've been eating light, having some ramen noodles, saltines, and making some healthy meals at home. Needless to say ramen noodles and crackers are more carbs than I'd normally choose to have, but I haven't been eating much of them as I haven't had much of an appetite. Of course that also means I haven't been working out. My last day at the gym was Saturday, and I hope to be well enough to go back by this weekend. The good news is that my lack of appetite has helped me lose a few more pounds despite the carbs. My throat has been rather dry even though I have been drinks lots of water, which makes food undesirable no matter what I'm eating.

The only other good thing about this is that it gives me lots of time to sit at home, and I've been spending that time cruising the Food Network website for new recipes to try out. A friend of mine from the Greyhound rescue, Sharon, is always bringing new and interesting dishes to our board meetings, and she is going to share some recipes with me. Hopefully with all these recipes I am compiling, I should be able to cook healthy meals for myself all the time. I still wish I had a bigger kitchen though.

Week 28
Weight: 231.2
Weekly pounds lost: 2.8
Total pounds lost: 25.8
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 81.2

Changes, carbs and workouts

I'm a little behind posting for this week, but I've decided to try something new. I will actually be posting everyday for 1 week to record my carb intake.

So here I start:
2 low carb tortillas @ 8 carbs (net)
1 bag of Pirate's Booty puffed rice snack @19 carbs
1 small Ben & Jerry's ice cream @ 27 carbs
Total Carbs: 54

After a grueling week working out, I lost 1 pound. ONE POUND. I was a little depressed. I actually worked out to the point of soreness, which on me takes awhile to reach. And I reached it, so you can imagine my surprise that 1 pound was all I lost. So I hope that by watching my carb intake, I will change that for this week.

Another change in my life is that my friend and former coworker is moving in to my apartment. She broke up with her boyfriend (whom she was living with) and doesn't want to live with relatives for personal reasons, and since I am STILL unemployed, having her live here will help out financially. She has lost a lot of weight too! I think a lot of that is due to her job being very physical. She works at a doggy day care center and is always up playing with dogs. I'm really impressed and inspired by how great she looks. She also belongs to a gym, but she is going to come check out my gym with me for a week. I'm really looking forward to it!

I had my unemployment phone call today. Without going into crazy detail, I will resume collecting my unemployment, which couldn't happen sooner because the Department of Water and Power is threatening to cut off my electricity. I NEED THAT CHECK!

Week 27
Weight: 234.0
Weekly pounds lost: 1.0
Total pounds lost: 23.0
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 84.0

Balancing Act

This week I was a little off balance with my menu. I had too many breads and meat and not enough veggies and salad. Normally I shy away from a lot of bread but it was just there, in front of me, and I didn't stick to the "taste" rule. I just ate. And ate. Surprisingly, the day I think I did the best was on the 4th of July, which surprised me. I had a little of everything and the ones I really liked, I indulged a little more in. But I stopped when the food stopped tasting as good as the first bite. In the end, I gained a little bit. Not much, but the wrong direction is the wrong direction.

I've started watching a new show on the Oxygen network called Dance Your Ass Off. You can almost hear the omitted "fat" missing from the title... It's a combination of all the dancing shows with The Biggest Loser. Contestants from different weight categories and health issues come and dance each week, and exercise and eat healthy during the week, and compete in a dance contest. Their weekly score is based on their execution of the dance moves with how much they've lost that week, and the person with the lowest score is eliminated. Overall it's entertaining, and I give each person props for going out and literally exposing their bodies on TV. The only problem I have is with the weekly elimination. Each person has their own struggles with weight. Tonight, the heaviest guy ended up with the lowest score, and he was so enthusiastic about being on this show, and he really could have used the opportunity to stay and continue. I don't feel that they should be eliminating people. I think they could wait until the last episode and see who has the highest overall score, and they could win something like a home gym or cash prize or something.
Underneath all that, it kind of makes me want to take a dance class. But I can't afford those extravagances right now. Job, money, then extras.

Unemployment sent me a letter to set up another phone interview for July 17th, so I don't get any unemployment checks until after that. Makes everything really tight. I think I'll get by okay but it isn't easy. If unemployment keeps doing this, I may have to settle for a lower paying job that I don't want just to guarantee getting a consistent check.

Went to the gym tonight. Had planned a nice long workout, but as soon as I got up to the cardio floor, my tummy turned into those knots you get when you have to go potty. I was so determined to work out that I ignored my tummy and hopped on the cardio machine - for an hour! Then I did another 10 minutes on the treadmill. I was watching that big interview that Michael Jackson had done a few years back - that really helped keep me on the machine and my mind off my tummy. I'm still broken up about his passing. And I'm even more bummed that I didn't get chosen in the lottery for his memorial service tomorrow. I noticed how many people were selling their tickets online for thousands of dollars, and how sad and greedy that is. Anyway, I digress. After the workout I showered and came home, and yes I needed to potty, but overall my day was a successful one. I had a small bowl of granola for breakfast, a nothing-fancy sandwich for lunch, and a salad for dinner. I had a light snack in between lunch and dinner, and I had lots of water throughout the day. So far this week is off to a much better start than last week!

Week 26
Weight: 235.0
Weekly pounds gained: 0.4
Total pounds lost: 22.0
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 85.0

Surreal Week

This week went by in a fog. I was anticipating a doctor's appointment to find out when I will have surgery for the lump under my armpit, and I think I ended up making myself sick. Add to that my period, which started at the beginning of the week, and my hormones and emotions were on a collision course. I went to my appointment on Thursday, and the doctor actually was willing to cut me right there on the exam table. She said it was so minor that it didn't even warrant a surgery appointment. I was so unprepared that I declined. I did not want to get cut that day. And realistically, I didn't have the money to pay for that kind of appointment that day, either.

I had barely pulled out of the parking garage when I received a txt message from my friend that Michael Jackson had died. The Elvis Presley of my generation was gone, and I had to drive on the 405 north, past UCLA where his body had been taken before he was officially pronounced dead. Traffic was a mess. I think I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. I went to walk a dog. But by the time I got home, all I could do was crawl into bed. I had a nausious feeling since leaving the hospital. In the early evening I took my dogs out for a potty break and I had trouble making it up my stairs to come back inside. I was out of breath. My head was pounding and my body was bouncing between hot and cold within minutes of each other. I took my temperature: 102.7.

I drank lots of water and took aspirin. No change. By midnight it was down: 102.2. I still felt miserable. I tried to sleep but it was a restless sleep. Joe came home and confirmed I was burning up. I think I was delirious and at some point I realized I had the onset of a sore throat. I'm not entirely sure how I made it thru the night. When I woke up on Friday, my temperature was 99.2. But throughout the day it started creeping back up... 99.5, then 99.7. No foods sounded appetizing except for tortillas and sweet butter from El Torito Grille. In fact, everything else made me feel nausious. So I ate as little as possible as driving to El Torito was out of the question (and would have required purchasing a meal to acquire the free tortillas).

On Saturday I didn't wake up until 3 in the afternoon, and apparently that did the trick. No more fever and no more sore throat. And 2 days of almost no food has made me 1.4 pounds lighter. My period is coming to an end and I will be able to go back to the gym (update on this later). I'm still sad though over the loss of MJ. Since I stayed in bed for 2 days all I did was watch his videos over and over. It's a very sad time. Very surreal that we have lost the biggest entertainer of our time.

Week 25
Weight: 234.6
Weekly pounds lost: 1.4
Total pounds lost: 22.4
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 84.6

The Importance of Being Honest

Headed to the gym in a little while. But I need to be honest here, or this blog doesn't work. Since I had skipped about almost 2 weeks of writing here (before my last post), it may look like I've lost weight. I have lost, compared to my post on May 27. But I did weigh myself in between the that time, and I had gotten down to 234.2, so really while my mom was here I gained 1.8 pounds. I just didn't take the time to write a blog with the 234.2 weigh-in. So, since my last post, I'm keeping in accordance with how I write (see below), but I just want to acknowledge that I did in fact GAIN.

Week 23
Weight: 236.0
Weekly pounds lost: 1.8
Total pounds lost: 21
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 86

Writer's Block

I haven't been motivated to write much lately. I'm not too sure why. Maybe the June gloom? My mom was here for 7 days and I didn't even really pick up my laptop to do anything! My emails come to my phone so I don't need to get online to check them. I had the greyhound picnic to plan for and attend, and then spent time with my mom, and then we decided to move half of the things I don't use back to her place so that I can de-clutter my place. It's a great feeling on one hand to let go of excess baggage, but on the other hand - for me - stirring everything up actually makes me a little sick. Literally, things that have been stored in closets for 2 years come out dusty, and all that dust makes my sinuses go crazy. So my mom gave me some of her prescription allergy medication, which was great in helping me breathe again, but also made me SO SLEEPY! I was so knocked out for a few days. It was hard to spend time with her and pack up stuff. Most of what I packed are clothes that I'm too big to fit into at the moment. Some things are clothes that I just don't wear that she will wear. There were a lot of great pieces that I had bought back when I worked at Bloomingdales a few years ago. I was about 15-20 pounds lighter then. It was probably good for me in a way, because I saw what a great wardrobe I have once I lose another 30 pounds. I saved all my jeans, because as I lose weight, those will be what I need the most - the casual everyday wardrobe staple.

I'm thinking about downsizing to the 1 bedroom apartment downstairs in my building. That's why there's a need to let some things go. The living area is bigger than what I have now, and the kitchen is a little bigger too. The bedroom is probably a little smaller, but not by much. And the closet is a walk-in, which is great, but it's only 1 closet compared to the 3 I have now. I really gotta go thru everything and donate and throw away. Movers are coming next week to take some furniture home. Meanwhile, I have to set an appt to talk to the owner of the building about moving into the smaller unit. In my opinion, he is the posterboy for "grumpy old man". I'm not looking forward to it. If it works out, we will be saving $500 a month. If it doesn't, I just need to keep sticking to a tight budget until I get a job.

I didn't get to suspend my gym membership in time for it to take effect this month, so I will be hitting the gym as much as possible. The bad news is that I have a painful lump under my right armpit. It's been there for over a month, and sometimes it flares up and hurts and other times it feels small and unnoticeable. Either way tho it makes for a difficult shaving experience, and when it hurts, it's uncomfortable to wear a bra. I've also stopped wearing deodorant. I don't know if it's a clogged sweat gland or an ingrown hair, or something I don't want to think about. I was hoping it would have gone away on its own by now, but it hasn't. So on Monday I am making an appointment to see my doctor. In the meantime, the worst part, aside from the pain, is the not wearing deodorant part. Even with showering everyday, I need deodorant. And that makes working out awkward. I went to the gym yesterday, and about 20 minutes into it, I could smell myself. I was so embarrassed that I decided 20 minutes was a long enough workout. I also hadn't been in a month so 20 minutes was about all I could take - I need to build my energy back up. And today I stayed home and washed all my workout clothes. I've been wearing them to walk dogs and volunteer with the greyhounds, so those are all covered in dog fur and my sweat. I plan to go over the weekend and all next week. I just don't know what to do as a deodorant replacement.

I cooked for my mom while she was here. And yes, we did go out too. But I'm proud to say it was my most sensible visit. I paid attention to the portions I ate. I cut myself off when enough was enough. I mixed in a few salads. I brought home a lot of leftovers to convert into future meals. My mom was happy to eat the meals I prepared, too. I made her my new garlic steak recipe and my pork tenderloin. I wasn't as pleased with how my pork tenderloin came out, because I know I've made it better in the past, but she liked it a lot. And since I'm still not working, on her last day she took me to the grocery store and bought me groceries. I stocked up! It was great. Oh but the bad news is that the low carb tortillas that I use on a fairly frequent basis has been discontinued. Now I have to buy a larger size of tortilla - it's still low carb but I don't need or want the large size. The smaller size was perfect. So I'll have to do some creative portion control.

I haven't weighed myself in a week. The last weigh-in came in at 234.2 pounds, but I'm sure I've gain a little since then with my mom here, so I'm not going to post anything now. Instead, I'll weigh-in on Sunday morning and type it in with another entry updating about my weekend. Until then, I'll be looking up deodorant alternatives online!

Week 22

Balancing Ups and Downs

So I've been maintaining at 237. This week I'm at 237.8. That's a gain of 0.4. Not exactly the direction that I want to go, even though it's a small gain in the big picture.

Here's what I've been doing:
-Not going to the gym this WHOLE month
-Eating more sweets than I should
-Not eating as many veggies and salads as I should

I did not wake up early to jog like I had planned to do. I'm going to try for that in the morning and see if I can make it. I really want to see myself hit the 30 pounds lost mark. I know I've lost weight around my tummy area, and maybe a little in my face, but I want to see it more in my arms and my thighs/hips. I think jogging is a great cardio workout for all the areas of the body, and I think I just need to be dedicated to doing it.

Tomorrow - 7am - Park - JOG!

Here's what I've been eating: small bowls of cereal or a bacon and egg breakfast, or sometimes no breakfast. I've been eating low cal snacky foods like the individual sized bags of Pirate's Booty, which is supposed to be like a white cheddar popcorn but the popcorn is really a puffed rice and corn mix, not actual popcorn. I've been drinking lots of water. I've had some fast food - namely Taco Bell tacos and In and Out burger. I've also made food at home, like barbeque chicken quesadillas and garlic steak with vegetables. And I've had a few McDonald's iced coffees (nothing else from their menu, thank God!). I've discovered a small portioned, easy to make dessert - they are Betty Crocker singles - you add water and microwave for 30 seconds and you have about a 5-6 bite chocolate cake. It's about 150 calories and is a nice alternative to the small ice creams, so I have can have some variety on dessert. But I've had more pasta than normal, because it is cheap and will last long. And I don't want the pasta. I'm not even craving it. But it's cheap, and quick to make without using 4 pots and pans and other kitchen ware. I guess I'm also becoming lazy. What I wouldn't give for a nice sized kitchen and a food fund so that I could really experiment with healthy meals.

Salads have definitely been missing. When I was going to the gym, I had them more often because I would get a salad AT the gym. I would get a small portion but it was filling AND it was free because my gym gave me a $100 gift card when my friend joined. I need to bring salad back into my life. I was doing great when salads made up at least one meal every two days. Now they are maybe one meal out of a week's worth of meals.

I think I am going to suspend my gym membership due to the distance. When I start working again, I will pick it back up, but until then, I'd rather not be paying for it and then worrying about gas to get there and back. If I can make jogging a routine, maybe I will cancel the gym all together.

My mom is coming out in 2 weeks. Wait, is it two weeks? Maybe it's less than that. She will be here for 7 days, and I want to make sure I eat right while she is here. We have lots of things planned, and I don't want her visits to be about where we are going to eat.

I'm still dog walking. I am planning in June to be walking for more people, so that will also be more exercise there too. I've also gone swimming. I remember when I was a kid, my mom sent me to summer camp for 3 summers. I had to get up at 8am to go swim in the lake. Boy was it cold. But it wasn't "fun" swimming. It was learning strokes and stuff, and that's exercise if you just do laps. Maybe I should get up every morning and swim laps for an hour to work on my arms.... OR I could go jog in the morning and come back and swim laps to cool off from the jog... HEY I like that idea!

Week: 20
Weight: 237.8
Weekly pounds gained: 0.4
Total pounds lost: 19.2
Size: a loose 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 87.8

Thinspiration

I'm a little behind on my blogging this week. I haven't been working out at all, because I don't want to use up my gas driving to the gym. It's made it harder to keep the weight off, although I try by making good food choices. Unfortuantely, the cheapest things at the grocery store are all carbs (think ramen noodles).

I've started dog walking for a woman that lives down the street. That helps put in a little exercise, but not much. I want to get up early and go jog at the park across the street, but I haven't been waking up so early. My days and nights are starting to turn around a little. 11am is becoming my new morning time. Not exactly what I had wanted, but I am staying up later because that is when my thoughts kick in.

About a month ago I had set up an account on Twitter, but I never went to use it. But on Sunday a friend was telling me about all the people she was communicating with on it, and so I decided to give it a try. I sent a note on Twitter to Bethenny Frankel, and this week she replied! It wasn't much - just a "Thank you" for my support of her book and to keep it up. It might not even be Bethenny - it could be her assistant, but either way, it was nice to receive.

I have 2 pairs of jeans in my closet that I haven't worn yet. My current jeans are loose, and I have to wear a belt if I don't want to keep pulling them up. One of the unworn pairs of jeans is a size 16, and the other is a size 14. They are both from Lane Bryant. I tried on the 16 last night and they are a little tight in the waist but fit nicely everywhere else. I haven't bothered to try on the 14 yet, but I think I am going to make the effort to get up in the morning to jog and hope that helps. Everyone that I know that has lost a significant amount of weight without surgery had implemented jogging into their workout. I can't jog on a treadmill because I am not that coordinated. I'd be staring at me feet the whole time. If I'm going to do anything faster than a walk, it has to be on solid ground.

I'm glad I had the foresight to buy jeans that were smaller. I'm sure I did it because they were on sale - that's usually what happens - they are on sale but they are the wrong size so I will buy them and wait until I can wear them. As I am losing weight, but also unemployed, I would not be able to buy myself smaller clothes if I had needed them. Plus, they help as encouragement - to encourage me to get down to that size.

This coming week my goal is to get up at least twice to go jogging. I don't know how long it will last, but I at least have to get up to do it. At this point that is the accomplishment. I'll worry about duration later!



Week: 18
Weight: 237.4
Weekly pounds lost: 1.6
Total pounds lost: 19.6
Size: a loose 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 87.4

Weekly Rantings

So, I'm on a rant. This news story that came up yesterday has been eating away at me, and I have to let it out. On my internet server, one of the daily news stories was about how this family's nightmare of their teenage daughter's death is still ongoing. So I clicked on the story. Turns out, this family lost their 18 year old daughter in a car accident. The main point of the story is that their daughter was more or less decapitated, to the point where even the parents were not allowed to see the body to identify it, but days after the accident, CHP officers leaked the photos of her body at the scene of the accident onto the internet, and now they are everywhere and it's been two years and the family cannot get the pictures removed because they are on over 1600 sites. The family had a $20 million lawsuit against the CHP, which they lost and are appealing.

Upon reading more, I learned that a few months before the accident, the girl had tried cocaine and had to be taken to the hospital because she had a chemical reaction to the drug (she had an inoperable brain tumor that she's known about since she was 8). The night before this accident, she had done cocaine again and her parents had drug tested her, took away her car keys, and were planning on admitting her to a hospital the next week.

As a result of being grounded, the next day she stole the keys to her father's Porche, went speeding down a highway over 100 mph, hit a Honda and lost control of the car. She had never driven this car before, btw. The Porche crossed all the lanes, the median, all the lanes of the opposite side of traffic, and crashed into a toll booth.

What bothers me is that the general outcry of the public is to have the photos removed because they are gruesome and hurtful to the family, and to remember the girl as the pretty innocent angel she was.

I will agree that the photos being online may be hurtful to the family, but that's about where my agreement stops. I don't think the girl was an angel - I think she was an idiot. How can you, knowing you have a brain tumor, decide to do the cocaine again? And then to be upset because you are being punished for doing it? And it's one thing to steal daddy's Porche, but it's another thing to drive it like you are on the Autobahn. Especially when you have no experience driving this car at all. She could have killed the driver of the Honda she hit, but no one is talking about that. And I'm not a parent. But I doubt her parents are deliberately looking up the photos of her death online. If I had a child, and my child made the decisions that led up to this result, I would ask that high schools and driver's ed classes use the photos as an example to teenagers to show them they are not invincible. I wouldn't want to see the photos everyday, but if I knew the photo made 1 person rethink how they drive, or whether to drive intoxicated, it would make a positive difference. Too many kids think they are invincible, especially behind the wheel of a car. Remember when Nicole Ritchie got arrested for driving the wrong direction on the 101 Fwy? She was intoxicated at the time. Look at Nick Hogan, who paralyzed his best friend for life. He was street racing, and then when the accident happened, he didn't want to do any jail time.

The general sentiment that the photos need to be removed and that the people who posted them are disgusting human beings makes me wonder about the naivety of the world. Everyone has a choice to look it up or not. If you can't stomach it, don't look. But don't look and then criticize because you don't like what you saw. I wonder to what extreme these people go to... should the medical examiner not do his or her job because the state of the body offends him/her?

That's just the first thing that's got me riled up. The next was an internet joke about the swine flu posted to a yahoo group that I belong to, and most people responded that they found it offensive. It was a picture of a dirty toddler kissing a dirty pig on the snout. It may not be funny to some people, but I think there's a difference between not funny and offensive. I'm not sure how that is offensive, unless you live in the woods and raise dirty toddlers. I think there's more offensive things going on around us on a daily basis. I'm lost as to other peoples' standards of offense. Does this mean I can say the economy is offensive, or the income tax percentage rate is offensive? Maybe next time I am out shopping, I can tell a woman her implants or her cleavage is offensive? Can someone come up to me and tell me that my weight is offensive to them? Can I tell a really hairy guy at the beach he is offending me? Where do we draw the line? A toddler kissing a pig. It may not be funny. That's fine. But does it really offend you? As part of the greyhound rescue, I watch all the time as a member of our group eats something, lets their dog lick the spoon, and goes right back to using the spoon themself. Offensive? I kiss my dog all the time on the snout. I also kiss her nose and her head. Once, I even pulled out a poo that wouldn't fall out of her butt so she wouldn't have to walk around with it dangling there. Offensive? I'm helping my dog not be humiliated. Maybe that is too much for some people to bear.

Maybe my weight is offensive to some people. Then again, maybe my losing weight is offensive to bigger people who think you can be proud at any size.
________________________________
There. That's my line and I'm drawing it.




Week: 17
Weight: 239.0
Weekly pounds lost: 3.0
Total pounds lost: 18.0
Size: 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 89.0

Surprises

I wasn't initially going to write a blog today, since my last blog was only a few days ago, but this morning I happened to step on the scale and I had lost 2 more pounds, which technically means I lost those 2 pounds in less than a week since my last weight check/blog was on Wednesday! So I felt good and decided I might as well chronical it in the blog. Woo hoo! Go me!

It's funny, I didn't think the last few days would result in a loss. I'm kind of ashamed to say that, but the truth is, since my last blog, I started off well but didn't end the way I thought I would. I was really good with balance and choosing healthy items to eat, but over the weekend I kind of wasn't so careful. It wasn't necessarily that I ate anything bad. It was more like I stopped paying attention. Some things I ate were good (an eggs & bacon breakfast, small amount of granola as a snack, salad, small portion of steak with small portion of pasta) and some of the things I ate were bad (pepperoni pizza, candy). I was really craving chocolate, especially the last 2 days. I ended up with a small cafe mocha, a brownie, and Whoppers over the 2 days. I'm not really sure where the craving came from, cause I'm not due for my period or anything. But I indulged my craving nonetheless and thought my week was ruined. So I'm really happy that I still lost 2 pounds.

What I got from all that is that CHOICE is a powerful thing. Even though I have helpful tools at my disposal, I have to choose to use them. That's why they are there. To help me. To remind me. To support me. It is a valuable lesson. I don't feel bad for the choices I made this week, but to be honest, if the scale had gone the other direction, I probably would be beating myself up right now instead of being okay with it. And I don't want to be beating myself up. It's not healthy, and the whole point of all of this is to be healthy (not just to lose weight). Health encompasses everything.

I still have my foster dog, Britta. She tested positive for tick disease, which I have been treating. She requires 2 shots 2 weeks apart, and the shots make her vomit. But after her shots, she will be free of the disease, so it's worth it. I just feel bad that it makes her sick. Next week I will be taking her to get spayed. She will throw up a little after that too, from the anesthesia. Poor girl. I hope she gets adopted soon, because I am really in love with her. I might fail fostering this time around.

This week I am going to make an attempt to go to the gym every single day. I've been looking for a new job, and I've sent in a few applications/resumes, but only for jobs that I'd really want. I figure, if I am going to give up my unemployment benefits, it should be for a job I really want. So with all this free time, I am going to challenge myself to take advantage of it. I don't think I have ever gone for a solid week. So I'm gonna give it a try. Should make next week's loss even greater than this week's!

I'm going to start listing the total weight I've lost since starting this blog at the end with my other statistics. I think it will be good to see the total progression of weight loss, not just the weekly progression. So, on that note....


Week: 16
Weight: 242.0
Weekly pounds lost: 2.0
Total pounds lost: 15.0
Size: 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 92

Life After Pet Expo

I didn't post on Sunday because I was working the Orange County Pet Expo for the greyhound booth all weekend. The Pet Expo was located at the Orange County Fairgrounds, and it was much like a fair, but with pets instead of rides. So I spent 4 days surrounded by junk food. LOTS of junk food. Expensive junk food.

Last week I got sick after Easter weekend. Mostly it was a lot of congestion. I went thru 2 boxes of Kleenex in 2 days. As a result, I didn't work out, and it made the Pet Expo difficult, especially being surrounded by all that animal hair. So the combination of being sick and being surrounded by junk food made it almost impossible to be good. But the funny thing was, it almost made me a little sick to eat the processed fair food. Which I took as a good sign that I have been eating healthier things. The only thing that kept hitting the spot was the large lemonades from the Hot Dog on a Stick booth, and that was because it was so hot out there!

So now Pet Expo is over, and I am back home, still in the heat but with my own fridge, and my own food, and my own cooking options. My cold is slowly going away, and I'm not going thru the amount of Kleenex that I was last week. I even had milk yesterday with my granola. I didn't lose as much as I would have liked this week, but given the circumstances, I'm okay with that. I plan to hit the gym today tho, later when it cools down a bit outside.


Week: 15
Weight: 244.0
Pounds lost: 0.8
Size: 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 94

Experimenting with Food

I have this friend of mine, who used to be a client. She doesn't live in LA, so when she comes out here to visit or work, she stays with me and will usually pay me a little money for her trip. She was out here this past week, and while I certainly appreciate the money, it was hectic with her here. Mostly, she was waiting on a paycheck, and she was broke until she received it. And she decided not to eat anything, because she had no money, although she did have some things taking up space in my pantry. She would continuously ask to eat things that I've put a lot of though into buying, so that I would be eating healthy. And usually, the healthier you try to eat, the more expensive the food is. I suggested that she cook her spaghetti noodles that she purchased last year, but she decided not to eat at all because she had nothing to put on her noodles (sauce, cheese, etc.). I don't really understand this concept, because if I hadn't eaten for 2 days, I'd take plain noodles over starving. Fortunately though, I did not have to be faced with starving.

I had a healthy week. Probably could have used a few more vegetables, but overall I was creative and balanced. I had this package of fillet mignon steaks in the freezer. Small portions, probably about 6-8 ounces each. Normally I would cook both, but I only cooked one. I sliced it thin and cooked it in a white wine sauce mixed with Worcestershire sauce, and served it with sweet corn and biscuits. I only ate 1 biscuit, and a small portion of corn, and I sprinkled lite feta cheese on top of the steak. It came out really nice and flavorful. My dogs were very enthusiastic and gave me a non-opposable thumbs up for the aroma. I gave the other biscuits to my house guest, since she was starving, even though I'd have preferred her to eat her own food. But I figured it was a good way to prevent myself from going back and eating more biscuits. I'm going to experiment a little more each week and see what I come up with.

I also picked back up with reading Bethenny's book. I'm past the halfway mark, and I've completed reading about her 10 rules to thinking and eating like a thin person, and now I'm on the 2nd half, about how to implement the rules into daily life. She has some sample menus about how to balance everything on a daily basis. It's still really good and really helpful!

Today is Easter Sunday, and I made breakfast for Joe's daughter. I made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and I toasted the left over turkey cheddar chipotle panini that she didn't finish for dinner last night. She must've been really hungry because she ate it all. I ate my small test pancake and a left over half of the same turkey cheddar chipotle panini, with a glass of water instead of juice or milk. I also gave the dogs a pancake that I accidentally left on the griddle a little too long. Uma didn't know the difference - I guess when you are a dog, people food is a treat no matter what!


Week 14
Weight: 244.8
Pounds lost: 1.8
Size: 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 94.8

Losses and Gaines

I missed out on writing last week. I started a blog, and then I didn't finish it, and now it's outdated. So I will start at the beginning and catch up.

I got a new foster dog. She's a beautiful dog, but she is really shy, and I want to help make her feel secure. Her name is Britta, and she looks a little like a deer.

I thought I would be making some adjustments to my schedule in order to accomodate having her in my home, but as it turned out, that wasn't exactly what happened. I did make changes to my schedule, but not because of the dog. I actually got laid off my job last Thursday. The company I worked for could no longer afford my salary. The funny part is, I couldn't be happier! I was really not enjoying the job toward the end, and now, I have a little freedom and I can pursue things I'm more interested in. And I get to spend more time with my doggies. And, I will also get to work out during the day instead of at night.

I'm interested to see the people that work out at my gym during the day. I've never been during the daytime, unless it was a weekend. I'm sure it will be a little different. I need to spend more time on my workouts. I've been averaging 45 minutes, sometimes an hour. And I spend it almost all on cardio. Last week I was so excited because I weighed in at 243.3, but then I gained a little of it back this week and I broke even at 246.6. So no change overall. I haven't read much of Bethenny's book in the last 2 weeks. I need to continue, because it was really helpful. And it wasn't so much that I gained because I stopped reading. I think it was more along the lines of I gained because I got laid off, and wasn't sure how to feel about it. I wanted to be depressed, and normally with depression comes food. But I wasn't as depressed over losing my job as I thought I would be, so my reflexes didn't know exactly how to act. In the end, I'm okay. I had one binge evening involving a pepperoni pizza, but went right back to eating smaller, healthier portions. Well, maybe not all were super healthy, but they weren't horrible. I made a lasagna, which isn't on my list of healthy choices, but I only had small portions at a time.

I've also been looking for different things at the grocery store. Last night I bought a spinach and artichoke quiche. It was made with egg whites. I baked it for about 30 minutes and it came out real nice. I need to go onto FoodNetwork.com and look for some new recipes. If I come across any good ones, I will post them on here.

Week 13 Weight: 246.6 Pounds lost: 0 Size: 18 Goal: 150 Pounds to lose: 96.6

New Book

This week I've started reading a new book by one of the Real Housewives of New York City, Bethenny Frankel. It's called Naturally Thin, and she came to Los Angeles this week to promote and sign copies of it. I started reading it last weekend and went to see her on Wednesday in Century City. I had to fight traffic to get there as President Obama was in town AND staying right around the corner from the bookstore where Bethenny was signing. Security was of course at a high and therefore, traffic was rediculous.

I arrived a half hour before Bethenny was scheduled to come out, and there were only 2 other women there when I arrived. At first I felt bad - what if no one showed up? It wasn't very well publicized. I only found out about it because I happened to check out Bethenny's blog, which I've only recently started to do. But between the time I arrived and the time Bethenny came out, Borders had to put out twice as many chairs as they originally had and people were still standing!

To be honest, I didn't really want to buy another diet book. I only bought it because I've become more of a fan of hers from the first season of the show to the second. But as far as the book itself went, I really didn't think it could help me. I mean, Bethenny's a size 2 (and after seeing her in person I dare say she was a zero at the signing). I'm the complete opposite of a size 2. How could her book possibly help me? She wrote it for people like her. After all, it's what worked for her. So buying the book was more just to show support. But then I started to read it.

It was a little crazy. I felt like this size 2 person, this Bethenny, was inside my head. She said things in her book that I've only said in my head. How is that possible? Bethenny has never been over 150 pounds in her life but she related to me. I related to her. I don't even eat healthy foods and she's a natural foods chef. We couldn't be more opposite. But I got her message. And even though I'm only a few chapters in, it's starting to work on me. What I mean by that is I always eat everything on my plate when I go out to a restaurant. One of the things Bethenny talked about was eating until the food doesn't taste as good as the first bite did. When I read that I thought to myself, "but every bite for me tastes as good as the first. I still won't quit eating if I follow that rule". But then, 2 nights in a row I was out, and both nights I was surprised at how much food I didn't eat. That was a huge breakthru for me. I took the time to really taste the food instead of just eat the food, and I saw that there is a point where it stops being as great as the first bite. It blew me away. And that's just ONE thing in her book that had an effect on me right away.

Let me clarify that her book is not a diet book (thank God!) and it's not a recipe book (although there are some recipes in there). I am really thankful that it's not a diet book, because diets suck. Bethenny's book doesn't restrict you from eating anything. It's really more about how to eat what you love and how to relate to food like a thin person does. In a healthy way. And one of the things that was really inspiring to me is that Bethenny's turning point with food came to her when she was 33. I'm 33. I know I have a lot farther to go than she did (she only needed to lose about 25 pounds, I have 4 times that to go!). But it gives me the help I need in the form of her tips that will still allow me to not deprive myself of things that I like to eat. Kudos to Bethenny for a very helpful new book! It made #5 on the NY Times best seller list this past week! Oh and for the record, Real Housewives of NYC is the only housewives show I watch... they have a certain class that's missing from the other housewives drama.

For more information about Bethenny, go to http://www.bethennybakes.com/



Week 11
Weight: 246.6
Pounds lost: 2.6
Size: 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 96.6

Back In Action

I've really stopped paying attention to my goals ever since my mom left. But this week I'm starting to get back on the horse. I'm at 249.2 pounds, and I haven't really been trying. In fact, I thought it would be a lot worse. I've been eating whatever I want and not working out, so I'm not exactly sure how that happened, but I'm also not going to complain... a loss is a loss.

I seeked out help this week in my challenge to lose weight on my own, and in doing so I had to come up with all the reasons why I want to lose weight. So I think it's a good idea if I share my reasons here.

Reason #1: I want to enjoy life as a thin person
Reason #2: I am concerned about my health
Reason #3: I want to feel better about myself
Reason #4: I want to enjoy shopping for cute clothes
Reason #5: I want to correct my weight before it gets worse

I'm carrying those reasons with me in my purse, and whenever I'm out and about (at a restaurant, grocery shopping, etc.) I can remind myself before I end up making a bad decision. I'm actually excited and looking forward to my new system!


Week 10
Weight: 249.2
Pounds lost: 0.8
Size: 18
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 99.2

Nonsense

I've been MIA for 2 weeks, from this blog, from the gym, from normal life.... Having my mom here has been great, but I find myself wanting to do more fun things as opposed to working out. Which really, has been the problem all along. I don't find working out fun. I don't see it the same way I see going to a movie, or shopping for shoes. I can do it, and i'm not even miserable when I'm doing it, but I'm also not motivated to make the effort to go.

I did take my mom to the gym once while she was here. She actually worked out for a whole hour! I was so proud of her. My mom has a history of back problems, so she really surprised herself. She surprised me too. She was really looking forward to going back to the gym while she was here, but with all the other things we had planned, we didn't make it back to the gym. Sorry, mom.... :(

I gained 2.8 pounds while my mom was here. We did eat some good food. Overall though, I'm not disappointed about the gain. It's not huge, and it was worth it to be able to spend that time with my mom.

This week is the FINAL week of my class. I will finally have TIME officially FREED UP to do more. So I guess that means I can't use time as an excuse anymore to not work out. Oh, and good new/bad news: my foster dog Kester got adopted last Sunday. It was bittersweet. I did not want her to go. After 6 months of caring for her and teaching her and loving her, I really wanted to keep her. She would look at me with her ears sticking out like she had a question mark on her face, asking "Mom? What are you doing mom? Is that for me, mom? Where are we going, mom?" I really fell into the roll of MOM. And then she was gone. I've thought about her everyday since she left. I've cried. I've worried. And I've since found out that she is doing okay. She's actually doing better than okay. And in some ways, that's great. In other ways, it hurts. It's like I want her to need me still. I want her to miss me and remember me as much as I miss and remember her. I love her. It's ironic. When Kester moved into this home 6 months ago, she had really bad separation anxiety. Now that she is gone, I have really bad separation anxiety.
I miss you, Kester.


Week 8
Weight: 250
Pounds gained: 2.8
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 100

A Very Good Week (weight-wise)

This week was rather stressful at work. I run a small business for a woman who is very active, both in the business and outside of it. I'm not sure what has been going on lately but in the last 2 weeks she has become increasingly difficult. Needless to say, I have been looking forward to any time I spend that's NOT at work. I've gone to the gym a little more, although still not as often as I should. I could give a number of excuses, but really, they are just excuses. I won't explain how drivers in Los Angeles freeze up like nervous hostages at the first sign of rain. I won't explain how the look on my dogs' faces when I come home from work make it hard for me to walk out the door again. I will say that I've been varying my cardio a little bit when I am at the gym, and I can feel the difference. I found a stationary bike that makes me sweat like a pig in heat, and my calves have tightened from the treadmill. In fact, I think I need to take a stretching class. I guess that would be called yoga. I used to be pretty flexible, but that has slowly changed and now I feel like a 60 year old with osteoporosis. In fact, one of the benefits of me losing weight is to alleviate some of the lower back pain I've been having as a result of being fat. It's something that I've been quiet about, although not for any particular reason. Maybe it would make me feel officially fat? That might be it.

I ate pretty well this week. Several salads, low carb meals at home, and last night I made a pork tenderloin for Valentine's dinner. That doesn't mean I celebrated Valentine's day. In fact, there was no celebration going on in my household, except by my dogs celebrating the meal I cooked by trying to get their chops on it. This week should include lots of gym time too. I hope to get to the point where I just go to the gym every day. That's what I need in order to reach my goal.


Week 6
Weight: 247.2
Pounds lost: 4.8
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 97.2

Return of the Living Dead

Finally I feel normal. It took more than a few days to get over the bug. The downfall when I am sick, aside from actually being sick, is that in the recovery, only a few things sound appetizing. So I ate what I wanted in order to feel better in the recovery, and I gained about 2 pounds doing it. So I'm back up a bit. I do have more time over the next 2 weeks to work out, which should hopefully help.

My mom is coming out to visit at the end of February. The bad news about that is we spend a lot of time eating out. Hopefully, I can make some healthy choices while she is here. And if they can't be healthy, the least I can do is have smaller portions. Although I guess I should be doing that regardless.

I worked out on Saturday, and after my workout (which I can still feel in my legs) I spent some quality time in the locker room. It's been cold and rainy going on 2 weeks now, so I took a nice dip in the hot tub. It got really nice and warm in there, and eventually I got out and laid on a lounge chair. Before I knew what happened, I had fallen asleep. When I woke up, not that much time had passed, but it was enough time that the gym was almost closed, and I still had to shower. I ended up having to dry my hair across from this Kim Kardashian wannabe (why anyone would wanna be her is beyond my comprehension). Next time I need to make sure I only fall asleep on a massage table.


Week 5
Weight: 252
Pounds gained: 2.4
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 102

What it means...

Ok, so in reference to my last blog, what it means is that I am about to get violently sick.

I did not go to work today, nor did I get any sleep as my stomach kept churning. I did not go to my volunteering committment after work, which I had to find someone to cover for me, and now I have to cover for them tomorrow night instead of going to the gym, which, let's be honest, might not have worked out anyway. It's been a full 24 hours, and while I feel better, I am not completely well. There are still gurgles within. There are still painfully gut-wrentching cramps that make me writhe around until they subside. I think that must be what labor feels like. I feel loopy, probably from the lack of sleep and dehydration.

I
HATE
LIFE

Umm... What the hell did I eat?

Ok, so I stand corrected. THIS may be the most disgusting blog I've posted.

I'm not gonna lie. I ate a lot yesterday. Too much. Waaay overindulged. And today I'm paying for it. There's been a few rumbles in the ol' belly.... to which I have been dutifully been taking the necessary precautions. Bathroom key at work is in hand at all times.

But what does it mean when everything comes out a certain color, and you know up and down that you haven't eaten anything that color in at least 2 days?

Superbowl Sunday

Oh boy, today is an eater's holiday. It's superbowl Sunday. The last few days I have been consciously monitoring my eating, and last night I went to work on my homework at a friend's house. Well it turned out to be one big homework party and our hostess made pasta and homemade meatballs with gorgonzola cheese. I was so afraid of what that would do to my weigh-in today, especially knowing that being Superbowl Sunday, I was already planning to eat and spend the rest of the week burning off the damage.

But it looks like my monitoring efforts helped a little. My loss this week is not huge, but it's still a loss and that's fine by me! And I'm finding that there's so much I want to write about. Do you know what kind of a circus show is at my gym? Let me start by saying that it's a very posh gym, and that my boss at work paid for our membership so that we can network the company to the ritzy gym members while we are there. So kudos to my boss. Now, this gym has everything. Towel service, built in combination locks in the lockers, women's only steam room and sauna, and all the shower and bath amenities. Plus all the cardio equipment has built in TVs so I would actually work out a full hour just to finish what I'm watching. It's especially great during football season.

So, the other day I'm at the gym. Now, there's this one woman that I see all the time. She's at least in her 60s, and it's clear she has a body image problem. She is smaller than Mary-Kate Olsen. You can see every bone protruding out of her body. It's frightening when you consider how long she's had this problem. I mean, if she developed this in her teens , she's been dealing with it for at least 50 years. It's really sad to see. But more recently, I've discovered this other woman..... she's probably in her 50s at best. And she wears the thong leotard with the blush pink stockings. Her ass cheeks are just hanging out shamelessly. It's like no one told her that the Jane Fonda workout video was 20 years ago. And the fact that the stockings are blush colored, well they might as well not even be on. I know that women in LA flaunt their wears, but seriously, 50 year old ass? On parade for all to see? WTF? I'm beginning to see that in addition to exercise, the gym can be a great source of entertainment. I can't wait to see what this week introduces me to, as I have to go at least 4 times to burn off all the carb loaded, calorie loaded snacks consumed today. I bought a football helmet cake for the Pittsburg Steelers today, and they won the Superbowl! Woo hoo!



Week 4
Weight: 249.6
Pounds lost: 0.6
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 99.6

Finally, some time

So today begins week 3, and I have lost a few more pounds! I have to say, I think this is what I needed all along. To be publicly accountable for my weight, even if none of you are actually reading this.

I've finally got some time to go work out today. And this week coming up looks promising too. I have 3 days after work that I can go hit the gym! Plus next weekend too, although I might have to skip Sunday for the Superbowl, or just go really early. My roommate seems to think we should have people over to watch the Superbowl, but of course he is thinking about having his friends over, which makes me really self conscious. I need to be more comfortable around his friends. I need to be more comfortable around him. But I'm not.

After realizing I am still heading in the right direction on the scale, I made a late breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon and wrapped it up in a low carb tortilla. Normally, I would make enough until I would be stuffed. But today I just made a regular portion amount. I feel good about it. It should give me just enough energy to make it thru my workout. I've neglected my workout buddy Elena, but today we will be meeting at the gym, then after our workouts and showers, we will head to the movies to catch Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I'm not that enthusiastic to see, but who knows, maybe it will surprise me.

So the game plan for this week is workouts on Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. A huge stretch from previous weeks.

Week 3
Weight: 250.2
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 100.2

My most disgusting blog

Ok, so I'm breaking taboo here and just going with it. First of all, I feel fat. Let me clarify that. I know I am fat, but currently, I am feeling the fatness just leeching on my body. I'm poking myself right now and watching the fat bounce back out. I've been eating ok but I refuse to get on the scale. I can't bear a negative direction.

Second, and here's the taboo part... I love waking up, taking a poo, and then getting on the scale. You food digests at night, you burn some calories in your sleep. They say the best time to weigh yourself is in the morning because that's when it's the most accurate. So by that rationale, it should be all the better in the morning right after a morning poo. I guesstimate it helps take off an extra pound or two.

So tonight, I was sitting here farting around on my laptop, when all of a sudden nature called. I got up and went, and I guess I must've had an upset stomach or something, because I kept going and going. Then, I decided to take a shower, well, because, I haven't been showering everyday and it was about that time. So I showered, and then almost immediately when I came out and was drying off, I had to go again! So I think I must have poo'd out a small baby, and I hope it will make a difference on the scales tomorrow!

Why can't I just look like my dog? They say people tend to look like their pets. I could only dream to look like my pet. She has long skinny but muscular legs, a narrow tiny waist, a big chest, long skinny neck, firm butt. She even has butt muscles! BUTT MUSCLES! Let's pause and take a moment to appreciate what butt muscles must feel like.

I had a breakdown at work today. Got into a fight with my boss. I guess overall it turned out okay. But it drained me for the day. I was tired. I was sulky. I wanted a quick fix. I bought a walnut brownie and a chocolate milk next door from 7-11. It was wonderful. Chocolately. Perfect. Except that now it's in my fat stomach. Joe made me a pecan pie the other day. It was a belated birthday dessert. It's great, and I love pecan pie. The sugar is craving. But I've only eaten a small slice. That's it. It's been sitting in there for 4 days now and all that's missing is a small slice. I want to go so far as to call it a sliver, but then I'd just be lying.

No gym this week, but I will be going on Saturday and Sunday. Need to keep burning calories. Need to keep the metabolism going to make up for the week of no time.

Ooooh.... I feel a rumble in my belly.... I think round 3 is calling to me.

Great Success!

I had to wake up early this morning to go to a class where I would be for the majority of the day. In fact, if you really want to know, I was there all day yesterday too. It was my last weekend intensive. Anyway, it's been a full week since I started my blog, so I got on the scale this morning and behold: 253.6 pounds! A whole 3.4 pounds lost. And that's without much workouts (okay, so I didn't go to the gym Thursday or Friday like I had planned to, but I did pay attention to what I ate). This coming week I won't get to work out much either, as I have lots of volunteering going on. But it's good to know that I can watch what I'm eating and it helps. I tend to lose the most when I watch my carb intake, but the last time I did that I didn't lose a pound, so I wasn't counting on that anymore. Now, it feels like it's working again. My carb intake is low, my salad intake is high, my water intake is phenomenal.... proteins are good, small amounts of fibers are good.


In 7 weeks the class that I've been in for 6 months will come to an end. When it's over, it's gym time all the time I'm not working. The class commitments are the biggest obstacle I've had in dealing with getting to the gym. Part of the curriculum of the class involves assisting at their other classes - helping people register, setting up classrooms, working the phones, etc. There are some weeks where I am there 4 nights out of 5. So last week, when I had 3 nights off, I didn't feel motivated to go to the gym because I just wanted to be home with my dogs. When I was in my 20s, I was all about going out and partying. I would get drunk so I wouldn't be self conscious about how I looked or if people thought I was fat. But now, I have zero desire to be drunk. All I want is quiet time at home alone, with my doggers. It's hard for me to leave them to go anywhere.

This week I bought a new pair of shoes. Black of course - great to wear with a pants suit. They are a little tall, but I almost wore them today to class. But I couldn't do it. I don't have a complex about being tall. And I don't have a complex about being tall and still wearing heels. But I do have a complex about looking like a plump, ripe tomato in heels. So instead I opted to wear an old pair of ballet flats today. I will be saving my new shoes for the right occassion.

I also gave a dress to my neighbor downstairs. It was a beautiful Betsey Johnson spaghetti strap dress that I found on sale a few years ago at the Neiman Marcus outlet store on the way home from Vegas. It was long and flowy and a size 10. But in Betsey Johnson I think a size 10 is more like a regular person's size 6. It just looks small, and I think the only reason I bought it was because it was on sale for $89. I'm not sure what I thought I was going to do with it. I think I fantasized wearing it one day. But it's been a few years, and I'm not even close. My neighbor, on the other hand, is tall and thin and young. She will have many occassions to wear the beautiful dress. So reluctantly, I let it go. I suppose I could have saved it to see if I would succeed in wearing it after I lose the pounds that I intend on losing. But I think that dress has waited long enough for a life. I wish my neighbor many magical nights in it!

Week 2:
Weight: 253.6
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 103.6

Fast Food Traps

So I've been assisting off and on during the week nights at this educational facility where I take classes at. And when I assist, I'm usually there from about 6pm to 11ish. So last night I didn't get home until 11:30pm, and then I took my sitter home, and the whole time I don't get to eat dinner. So by this point I am tired, hungry, and still on the road. Of course, fast food seems like the easiest solution. Well, that's because it is...

So the minor setback of the first 3 days is that I had Taco Bell. What's worse is that it was at 12:30am. The deviants: A soft taco and a chicken quesadilla. I forget what number it is on their menu of slow death. But it got me to thinking... is this my only option when it comes to those situations? When it's so late I can barely keep my eyes open, and I'm so hungry I've passed the point of falling asleep on an empty stomach. I don't have readily healthy snacks at home and besides, I don't want a snack. I want a meal.

After checking Calorieking.com, I weighed the results of my setback. One chicken quesadilla is 520 calories and 40g of carbs. I don't even try to eat 40 carbs in a whole day, much less one food item. The soft taco has 260 calories and 20g of carbs. So my late night dinner earned me 780 calories and 60g of carbs.... let's not even think about the mega huge Sierra Mist they served me. ARGGHHHH! Why does fast food have to consist of so many calories and carbs? This requires extra gym time this week.

Speaking of the gym, I went on Monday night and I burned about 770 calories after one hour on the Arc Trainer. It's like an elliptical machine. Just a little different. Iwill be hitting it again tomorrow and Friday. I've decided that as long as I have the free time, I need to go work out. If there are no classes or other after work committments, the gym has to be my new best friend. The good thing about the gym is that I'm a TV addict, and all the cardio machines have individual TVs attached to them, so I could watch a whole episode of Law and Order: SVU while on the treadmill, or a football game on the Arc Trainer. It keeps me working out longer, cause I won't quit my workout in the middle of an episode. I want to see how it ends. So the gym's got that in its favor. But this is an extra hour's workout added to my already existing workout.... a good example of why I should always say NO to the temptations lurking around every stop light.

The backstory

It's a new year. Time for new goals. It's time to get real about my weight.

I've always considered myself to be a chubby kid. I wasn't blessed with the skinny kid active energy metabolism. Now, at 33, when I look back at pictures of myself, I realize that I was just normal. I wasn't a skinny kid, but I also wasn't fat. I just felt fat next to all of the skinny kids.

When I finished my freshman year of high school, I decided to do something about being chunky. I went on a diet. I decided not to eat more than 1200 calories a day. It wasn't professionally monitored or doctor recommended or anything like that. I just created it on my own. And I stuck to it for the entire summer. By the end of the summer, I fit into my skinny "incentive" jeans. For the first time, I looked good. I felt good. Hell, I was HOT. I still had curves, but my waist was tiny. I was 14 years old, 150 pounds, 5'8" tall, and wearing a size 8.

Then my mom sent me to live with my grandparents in Hong Kong for my sophomore year of high school.

All my hard work at weight loss was completely insignificant in Hong Kong. Girls there grow up on a diet of fish, cabbage and rice. I don't eat fish or cabbage. The girls in my class averaged somewhere between 80-100 pounds. They also are genetically flat chested, unlike me toting around C-cup boobs. Granted I was taller than all of them, but weight-wise, I was more in a category with the boys. I think even some of them were smaller than me. They were certainly more atheletic. The boys grew up practicing Tae Kwon Do and other forms of martial arts. I never participated in sports. The closest I got was spending summers knee-boarding at the lake, which only helped keep my arms toned.

The only good thing that year was that no one else seemed to notice that I was the biggest girl in class. I'm not sure how that's even possible, because it was all I could notice. But I actually had the most friends and the best social life ever during that one year. Inside though, I was screaming at how I could not just be skinny! Why, after my hard work, when I could have been normal, did I have to end up in Hong Kong with all these skinny girls? Of course, again, when I look at the pictures from this year of my life, I realize how incredible I really look. I still looked good. But I just couldn't see it in the midst of all the 80-pound girls around me.

When I returned home, my mom put me in a new school to finish my high school career. I discovered boys, and they discovered me, but sometime over the course of those 2 years, I gradually added on weight, finishing high school at 180 pounds. Because I was tall, I still carried it well. But it was still there. I remember the air force recruiter came to recruit graduates, and I could not qualify because the maximum weight for girls in my category was 160 pounds. I couldn't even serve my country!

So I went off to college. My first time on my own, unmonitored. Now, the running belief is that girls gain the "Freshman 15" their first year of college. But I think for me it was more like the "Freshman 30". It was during my freshman year that I also discovered alcohol, so most of my activities, including how much I actually gained that year, are pretty hazy. In fact, all of college for me was pretty hazy. I partied. I drank. I tried some drugs. I do know I tipped the 200 mark at some point. I lost my high school boyfriend, who on his last visit casually suggested I run the trail around the campus.

After the 5 years it took me to graduate from college, I moved out to Los Angeles, the land of the beautiful. I was weighing in at around 220. The chunky girl at the office. In LA, anything over a size 2 is pushing it. Size 0 is the size of choice, and I also learned that there is something called Size 00. This blew me away. I was happy when I was a size 8, and girls in LA aren't happy unless they are a 00?

Part of my problem is that I am actually pretty fashion forward. I can help dress my skinny friends in ways they never conceived. I just can't pull that look off on myself because I can't fit anything. Shopping for me is a very depressing thing. In my head, I picture myself normal. I picture myself in these normal, cute clothes. But by the time I am trying them on and realizing they don't fit, I get severly depressed. I realize that the vision in my head and my reality are not the same thing. My only shopping salvation is shoes. I have tons of cute shoes, mostly heels. But a fat girl in high heels? It doesn't look right, and to be honest, it doesn't feels so good carrying 250 pounds on just your toes. My goal is to look good in high heels and nothing else!

Now, after 10 years in LA and dieting ups and downs, here I am. Beginning this new, very public journey. So here's what you need to know:

Week 1:

Age: 33
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 257
Size: 18-20
Goal Weight: 150
Pounds to lose: 107

So the journey begins...