Settling In...

I've neglected my blog for a few months. Won't make up any excuses. It's been rough. I got a great apartment, which basically I will start working for my mom to pay my expenses. I will be training to become the landlord to her apartment complex here in Dallas. Good solid income from being a property owner. But I've never been one before, so I've got a lot to get familiar with.

Aside from the apartment, I can't really say things are better. I'm about 10 pounds heavier than my last weigh in. There's a lot more "comfort" food here, and that's my weakness... Tex-Mex... steaks...

I got sick after I moved here, and as I think I've mentioned before, it's hard to eat healthy when I'm sick. Only a few things sound good. So there was 2 weeks of bad eating. It was cold and even snowed for a day or two, which didn't help. I haven't had any real furniture until this weekend. Long story, but the short version is I didn't get around until shopping for furniture until my 3rd week here, and then it took 5 weeks to deliver and order. And when it did arrive, on Sunday, there was a problem with almost every piece in the order. So I am still waiting on the bed frame, dining table, and end tables. I have a much nicer kitchen, which I was really looking forward to, but to my dismay, the grocery stores here don't have the same things as in Los Angeles, so I have to search around and modify my good recipes.

On top of all of this, my skin has been breaking out, probably from the combination of bad food and getting off birth control last year. So, I went to get back on the pill, and it's starting to slowly get better. But it was bad. Worse than when I was a teenager. Which I find ridiculous that anyone should have to go through once they are an adult. That got me really depressed for awhile and I didn't want to leave the house or see any of my friends.

Joe is coming to visit in 2 weeks, and I really want to shed the 10 pounds that I've gained since I've been here. During the move, I read a book that you may have read also. It's called Skinny Bitch. It's sort of a wake up call on what's really in the food we eat, and it promotes veganism and eating organic. I can't imagine becoming a vegan... I like steak too much, and well, I live in Texas now... it's really hard to avoid it. But I'm trying to eat healthy again. Today I went to walk thru the neighborhood on a path called the Katy Trail. It's a couple of miles long and boarders a really pretty creek that runs thru downtown Dallas. There are a lot of people walking, jogging, biking, rollerblading... it's like the Boardwalk in Venice Beach. I think the only way I will truly lose weight is to wake up early (to avoid the afternoon heat) and go jog this trail. I won't be able to do the whole thing by jogging... it will probably be a combination of walking and jogging for awhile until I build up some endurance. And I am writing out a meal plan that I will post once it's finished - it will start off to get me thru the next 2 weeks. Then I will see where I'm at right before Joe arrives.

I should also mention the glitch in my two week plan.... Wednesday I am having a tooth extracted. I will be under anesthesia and eventually have to get an implant. Before I left LA, my crown fell off and my tooth cracked. I didn't fix it because I was trying to pack and move, so now, it's infected and must be removed. I think it would have had to be removed anyway because of the crack, but for at least 1 day my meal plan is going to consist of smoothies... and I can't eat for the 12 hours before my surgery... I'll also be on lots of painkillers after the surgery, and I don't know how that will affect my appetite. Or how swollen my mouth/gum/jaw will be when it comes to those days after my surgery...

That's about all that has happened in the last few months. I did make a few notes over the weeks of my weight, so I could post it and see the progression of how I went from bad to worse. It's going to be more challenging to keep this up now that I'm here. The combination of richer food and not being able to find what I'm used to in the grocery stores is going to be tough. But I'm determined to keep on track. Other girls here can do it. There are really pretty, physically fit girls here just like in Los Angeles. That hasn't really changed too much.

2/21 245.5 pounds

2/24 243.4 pounds

3/2 242.0 pounds

Week: 66

Weight: 249.6

Pounds gained: 11.4

Total pounds lost: 7.4

Goal: 150

Pounds to go: 99.6 - WOW! Almost back to the start :(

Changes

I haven't been in the mood to write much. I haven't really been in the mood for anything. I'm... depressed. I've made a decision, and even though I think it will be for the best, I'm not excited about it.

Over the holidays, I made the solid decision to move back home. To Dallas. And it's breaking my heart.

Twelve years ago, I had so many ideas of what my life would be like in Los Angeles. I came out here ready for anything. Now, I think all those images in my mind have faded away, and a reality has set in. It's not so glamorous. It's not so fun. What it is, is really expensive. It is really frustrating. Sometimes, it's even a little sad, when you see your friends with their dreams that don't come true. Sometimes, it's your dreams that don't come true.

I thought that when I'd eventually leave Los Angeles, it would be for something bigger, something more... a career, a love.... but now, I'm just going home. I'm going back, and it feels backward. I'm going to be closer to my mom, who's 69 now. There is no career waiting for me. There is no great love waiting for me. There's... my mom... waiting for me.

I love my mom, as much as I can. Our relationship isn't the best. We talk almost everyday, but I hesitate to call her my friend. I wish that could be different, but we are a generation and a culture apart. Going home to be with her, while I am 34, never married, and with no children, feels like I am going home to become an old maid. All the friends that I left behind twelve years ago are now married, most with a few kids. There is no one that I can call to do anything with on a moment's notice, except of course, my mom.

The hardest part in all of this, is leaving Joe. I love him. I've loved him for years. But our relationship isn't moving forward. It's in a holding pattern, and I can't help but feel responsible. I'm too insecure, and I think it comes across. I wasn't like this when we met. If I dwell on this, I will just feel worse, so that's all I'm going to say about it for now...

Tomorrow is my last day of work at Bloomingdales. I will be leaving Los Angeles on February 17th. I will leave 12 years, 1 month, and17 days from the day I arrived. I'm a few pounds heavier, a few gray hairs older, but I'm not sure that I'm any wiser... I guess only time will tell. Time.

Week: 55

Weight: 238.2

Pounds gained: 3.0

Total pounds lost: 18.8

Goal: 150

Pounds to go: 88.2