Monday, August 24, 2009

The Power of the Process

I won't underestimate the power of exercise. It works. And I didn't even go to the gym as many times as I wanted, but when I was there, I stayed longer and did more. So if I actually go as much as I keep telling myself to, I could possibly lose more. I need to try that and see what is possible: what's the maximum I can lose if I am there everyday for a week?

I am waiting on my last unemployment check. It's not sitting well with my self-esteem that I'm still unemployed. Today I was thinking about how, in Los Angeles, looks are so significant. I wonder how many jobs turn down candidates because they aren't pretty enough to represent the company, or draw in the right clientele. My former job was like that. My boss was tall, thin, and blonde, and she hired women who were thin and pretty to work for her. A mutual friend was helping her brand her business, and mentioned to her that she only hired pretty people. She responded by saying that wasn't her intention behind why she hired them... that they just all happened to be pretty people. But then when we had to hire more organizers, the best candidate for the job was an older, slightly heavyset woman, and I felt she was extremely qualified for the job because she already had years of experience. My boss on the other hand thought her weight would be a problem on the job - that she wouldn't move as fast as the other workers and would be clumsy around the clients' homes. And based on that, she didn't hire her. I was offended by my boss's decision. As I've been looking for jobs, I've found some ads that actually say one of their qualifications is that the candidate be "attractive". Others aren't as direct. Instead, they will just ask you to submit a photo so they can keep track of "who's who". Am I still unemployed because I'm fat? At this point, I'd have to say no. I haven't been on any interviews yet to be turned down from, so they haven't seen me yet in order to turn me down because of my weight. But it's a concern. I feel like I have to make up for it by having good skin, stylish hair, lots of makeup, etc. Didn't Tyra Banks do an undercover thing once where she donned a fat suit and went out? And she got looks from people and others ignored her? I feel like if I don't lose this weight, that's the life I'm subjecting myself to.

Week: 33
Weight: 232.4
Weekly pounds lost: 2.0
Total pounds lost: 24.6
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 82.4

Sunday, August 16, 2009

My Dream Job

I've been working out like crazy! Not everyday, I missed 2 days this week, but I have gone in and done some kind of workout on all the other days. It feels good to be active again. I'm going again today, after I write this blog and check on my friend's cat.

I've noticed as I cook more, I haven't been able to go potty as easily. I need to take some kind of fiber suppliments, I think. Or maybe I need to make sure that one of my meals each days is a salad... something I actually haven't had in a while, although I've been eating other vegetables... hmm....

Yesterday I accepted, then declined an invitation to lunch with a friend. I would have ended up ordering a salad anyway, but I declined it so that I could stay and work out longer, and also not spend money on a fancy restaurant. It felt really good to be able to say no, and not be tempted. As I've been losing weight, I've started to recognize more how important food is to some of my friends. So many decisions get based around food. I start to get a little self-conscious about how I've been like that in the past, and probably still am to a degree. When I travel home, I think about all the restaurants that I want to go visit while I'm there. On the rare occassions that I bring someone home with me, the trip becomes about me taking them places to eat. It would be weird for me to bring someone home for whom food is not a big deal, because then they'd think I was obsessed, and they'd be right....

My mom invited me to go on a trip in September with her to Washington D.C. We will be there 5 days. I really want this to be the first trip where I don't think about the food. She said that breakfast comes with our hotel everyday, so I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum and only healthy things. I also need to check the hotel's website and see if they have a gym, and bring some workout clothes if they do.

I went and saw the movie Julie and Julia. It's the epitome of NOT losing weight. But it is about people who love food, so I guess I could relate. I'm sure if I wasn't trying to lose weight, I'd be trying out some of the easier recipes. But they are all French recipes, and I don't even think my kitchen could accomodate them. So I'm not even tempted to try. But the one thing that I did get interested in about the movie is that the girl writing her blog about cooking Julia's recipes did not do anything to promote her blog, but she just naturally got followers. How does that happen? I'm not sure. But I would like more followers... Maybe my blog just isn't that interesting? If I had the funding, I'd want to do a blog about traveling for weight loss. I'd travel to places where I'd only be doing activities condusive to weight loss, and per my abilities. I wouldn't have rock climbing be the first challenge. Maybe more like nature hikes, and canoeing down a river. As I build up more energy, I'd gradually get into the more strenuous challenges, like rock climbing, or cross country skiing. Is cross country skiing strenuous? I'm not sure. I'd love to master snow boarding. I'd like to be a Samantha Brown of weight loss (that's a Travel Channel reference, fyi). I wonder if they'd be interested in a show like that? Then, at the end of 1 year, or 1 season, see how much weight I've lost. Obviously, I'd have to travel to places that offer physical attractions, even if it's just walking everywhere, or a place where bicycles get you around. I still want to focus on attractions of the destination, but somehow make them into a physical activity. I think that would be the most fun way to lose weight.

Week 32
Weight: 234.4
Weekly pounds lost: 0.4
Total pounds lost: 22.6
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 84.4

Monday, August 3, 2009

What's Behind the Excuse?

So, I finally recovered a slow recovery. I think it's a tedious process. I really wish there was an easy, magic cure, because I do get sick a lot. So now I am well, and trying to get back on the horse, so to speak. I'm cooking my regular healthier meals again, and slowly working out. Need to do more though. It's hard getting back on that wagon. I wonder if this is what it is like for alcoholics to get clean again... isn't it all emotional in the end?

Here's the problem: Excuses. Excuses excuses excuses. I can write lots of reasons why but in the end they are all excuses. And I'm confused as to what's an excuse and what's real, or can they be real? The line is blurry and I'm not even sure it exists. The heat is an excuse. Being sick is an excuse. Now that I'm well again, I've started my period... another excuse. Where is the line? Is there one, or do I just want there to be so I can define it and use it to my benefit when I'm feeling lazy?

I am still watching Dance Your Ass Off on the Oxygen network, and those people are eating healthy and exercising everyday, and no one has moved backwards on the scale. Some of them have even sustained injuries during practice and still deliver their dance routine that week. Which means to tell me that without consistent exercise, I can easily move in the wrong direction, regardless of what I eat. So I guess tomorrow morning I am going to buck up and go to the gym. I have to get in the mindset that cramps can't stop me. I think I am slowly realizing that I'm not as committed as I thought when I really look at what stops me. I look at other atheletes... people who have bodies that I hope to have one day.... and I see it takes them a lot of work and time. And they are dedicated. Barring some serious injury, they put in the time everyday. The little things aren't stopping them. So I need to follow in those footsteps if I plan to slim down and KEEP it off. I have the time, so really, there's no excuse.

Week 30
Weight: 234.8
Weekly pounds gained: 3.6
Total pounds lost: 22.2
Size: loose 18/tight 16
Goal: 150
Pounds to go: 84.8