Sunday, January 25, 2009

Finally, some time

So today begins week 3, and I have lost a few more pounds! I have to say, I think this is what I needed all along. To be publicly accountable for my weight, even if none of you are actually reading this.

I've finally got some time to go work out today. And this week coming up looks promising too. I have 3 days after work that I can go hit the gym! Plus next weekend too, although I might have to skip Sunday for the Superbowl, or just go really early. My roommate seems to think we should have people over to watch the Superbowl, but of course he is thinking about having his friends over, which makes me really self conscious. I need to be more comfortable around his friends. I need to be more comfortable around him. But I'm not.

After realizing I am still heading in the right direction on the scale, I made a late breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon and wrapped it up in a low carb tortilla. Normally, I would make enough until I would be stuffed. But today I just made a regular portion amount. I feel good about it. It should give me just enough energy to make it thru my workout. I've neglected my workout buddy Elena, but today we will be meeting at the gym, then after our workouts and showers, we will head to the movies to catch Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I'm not that enthusiastic to see, but who knows, maybe it will surprise me.

So the game plan for this week is workouts on Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. A huge stretch from previous weeks.

Week 3
Weight: 250.2
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 100.2

Friday, January 23, 2009

My most disgusting blog

Ok, so I'm breaking taboo here and just going with it. First of all, I feel fat. Let me clarify that. I know I am fat, but currently, I am feeling the fatness just leeching on my body. I'm poking myself right now and watching the fat bounce back out. I've been eating ok but I refuse to get on the scale. I can't bear a negative direction.

Second, and here's the taboo part... I love waking up, taking a poo, and then getting on the scale. You food digests at night, you burn some calories in your sleep. They say the best time to weigh yourself is in the morning because that's when it's the most accurate. So by that rationale, it should be all the better in the morning right after a morning poo. I guesstimate it helps take off an extra pound or two.

So tonight, I was sitting here farting around on my laptop, when all of a sudden nature called. I got up and went, and I guess I must've had an upset stomach or something, because I kept going and going. Then, I decided to take a shower, well, because, I haven't been showering everyday and it was about that time. So I showered, and then almost immediately when I came out and was drying off, I had to go again! So I think I must have poo'd out a small baby, and I hope it will make a difference on the scales tomorrow!

Why can't I just look like my dog? They say people tend to look like their pets. I could only dream to look like my pet. She has long skinny but muscular legs, a narrow tiny waist, a big chest, long skinny neck, firm butt. She even has butt muscles! BUTT MUSCLES! Let's pause and take a moment to appreciate what butt muscles must feel like.

I had a breakdown at work today. Got into a fight with my boss. I guess overall it turned out okay. But it drained me for the day. I was tired. I was sulky. I wanted a quick fix. I bought a walnut brownie and a chocolate milk next door from 7-11. It was wonderful. Chocolately. Perfect. Except that now it's in my fat stomach. Joe made me a pecan pie the other day. It was a belated birthday dessert. It's great, and I love pecan pie. The sugar is craving. But I've only eaten a small slice. That's it. It's been sitting in there for 4 days now and all that's missing is a small slice. I want to go so far as to call it a sliver, but then I'd just be lying.

No gym this week, but I will be going on Saturday and Sunday. Need to keep burning calories. Need to keep the metabolism going to make up for the week of no time.

Ooooh.... I feel a rumble in my belly.... I think round 3 is calling to me.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Great Success!

I had to wake up early this morning to go to a class where I would be for the majority of the day. In fact, if you really want to know, I was there all day yesterday too. It was my last weekend intensive. Anyway, it's been a full week since I started my blog, so I got on the scale this morning and behold: 253.6 pounds! A whole 3.4 pounds lost. And that's without much workouts (okay, so I didn't go to the gym Thursday or Friday like I had planned to, but I did pay attention to what I ate). This coming week I won't get to work out much either, as I have lots of volunteering going on. But it's good to know that I can watch what I'm eating and it helps. I tend to lose the most when I watch my carb intake, but the last time I did that I didn't lose a pound, so I wasn't counting on that anymore. Now, it feels like it's working again. My carb intake is low, my salad intake is high, my water intake is phenomenal.... proteins are good, small amounts of fibers are good.

In 7 weeks the class that I've been in for 6 months will come to an end. When it's over, it's gym time all the time I'm not working. The class commitments are the biggest obstacle I've had in dealing with getting to the gym. Part of the curriculum of the class involves assisting at their other classes - helping people register, setting up classrooms, working the phones, etc. There are some weeks where I am there 4 nights out of 5. So last week, when I had 3 nights off, I didn't feel motivated to go to the gym because I just wanted to be home with my dogs. When I was in my 20s, I was all about going out and partying. I would get drunk so I wouldn't be self conscious about how I looked or if people thought I was fat. But now, I have zero desire to be drunk. All I want is quiet time at home alone, with my doggers. It's hard for me to leave them to go anywhere.

This week I bought a new pair of shoes. Black of course - great to wear with a pants suit. They are a little tall, but I almost wore them today to class. But I couldn't do it. I don't have a complex about being tall. And I don't have a complex about being tall and still wearing heels. But I do have a complex about looking like a plump, ripe tomato in heels. So instead I opted to wear an old pair of ballet flats today. I will be saving my new shoes for the right occassion.

I also gave a dress to my neighbor downstairs. It was a beautiful Betsey Johnson spaghetti strap dress that I found on sale a few years ago at the Neiman Marcus outlet store on the way home from Vegas. It was long and flowy and a size 10. But in Betsey Johnson I think a size 10 is more like a regular person's size 6. It just looks small, and I think the only reason I bought it was because it was on sale for $89. I'm not sure what I thought I was going to do with it. I think I fantasized wearing it one day. But it's been a few years, and I'm not even close. My neighbor, on the other hand, is tall and thin and young. She will have many occassions to wear the beautiful dress. So reluctantly, I let it go. I suppose I could have saved it to see if I would succeed in wearing it after I lose the pounds that I intend on losing. But I think that dress has waited long enough for a life. I wish my neighbor many magical nights in it!

Week 2:
Weight: 253.6
Size: 18-20
Goal: 150
Pounds to lose: 103.6

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Fast Food Traps

So I've been assisting off and on during the week nights at this educational facility where I take classes at. And when I assist, I'm usually there from about 6pm to 11ish. So last night I didn't get home until 11:30pm, and then I took my sitter home, and the whole time I don't get to eat dinner. So by this point I am tired, hungry, and still on the road. Of course, fast food seems like the easiest solution. Well, that's because it is...

So the minor setback of the first 3 days is that I had Taco Bell. What's worse is that it was at 12:30am. The deviants: A soft taco and a chicken quesadilla. I forget what number it is on their menu of slow death. But it got me to thinking... is this my only option when it comes to those situations? When it's so late I can barely keep my eyes open, and I'm so hungry I've passed the point of falling asleep on an empty stomach. I don't have readily healthy snacks at home and besides, I don't want a snack. I want a meal.

After checking, I weighed the results of my setback. One chicken quesadilla is 520 calories and 40g of carbs. I don't even try to eat 40 carbs in a whole day, much less one food item. The soft taco has 260 calories and 20g of carbs. So my late night dinner earned me 780 calories and 60g of carbs.... let's not even think about the mega huge Sierra Mist they served me. ARGGHHHH! Why does fast food have to consist of so many calories and carbs? This requires extra gym time this week.

Speaking of the gym, I went on Monday night and I burned about 770 calories after one hour on the Arc Trainer. It's like an elliptical machine. Just a little different. Iwill be hitting it again tomorrow and Friday. I've decided that as long as I have the free time, I need to go work out. If there are no classes or other after work committments, the gym has to be my new best friend. The good thing about the gym is that I'm a TV addict, and all the cardio machines have individual TVs attached to them, so I could watch a whole episode of Law and Order: SVU while on the treadmill, or a football game on the Arc Trainer. It keeps me working out longer, cause I won't quit my workout in the middle of an episode. I want to see how it ends. So the gym's got that in its favor. But this is an extra hour's workout added to my already existing workout.... a good example of why I should always say NO to the temptations lurking around every stop light.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The backstory

It's a new year. Time for new goals. It's time to get real about my weight.

I've always considered myself to be a chubby kid. I wasn't blessed with the skinny kid active energy metabolism. Now, at 33, when I look back at pictures of myself, I realize that I was just normal. I wasn't a skinny kid, but I also wasn't fat. I just felt fat next to all of the skinny kids.

When I finished my freshman year of high school, I decided to do something about being chunky. I went on a diet. I decided not to eat more than 1200 calories a day. It wasn't professionally monitored or doctor recommended or anything like that. I just created it on my own. And I stuck to it for the entire summer. By the end of the summer, I fit into my skinny "incentive" jeans. For the first time, I looked good. I felt good. Hell, I was HOT. I still had curves, but my waist was tiny. I was 14 years old, 150 pounds, 5'8" tall, and wearing a size 8.

Then my mom sent me to live with my grandparents in Hong Kong for my sophomore year of high school.

All my hard work at weight loss was completely insignificant in Hong Kong. Girls there grow up on a diet of fish, cabbage and rice. I don't eat fish or cabbage. The girls in my class averaged somewhere between 80-100 pounds. They also are genetically flat chested, unlike me toting around C-cup boobs. Granted I was taller than all of them, but weight-wise, I was more in a category with the boys. I think even some of them were smaller than me. They were certainly more atheletic. The boys grew up practicing Tae Kwon Do and other forms of martial arts. I never participated in sports. The closest I got was spending summers knee-boarding at the lake, which only helped keep my arms toned.

The only good thing that year was that no one else seemed to notice that I was the biggest girl in class. I'm not sure how that's even possible, because it was all I could notice. But I actually had the most friends and the best social life ever during that one year. Inside though, I was screaming at how I could not just be skinny! Why, after my hard work, when I could have been normal, did I have to end up in Hong Kong with all these skinny girls? Of course, again, when I look at the pictures from this year of my life, I realize how incredible I really look. I still looked good. But I just couldn't see it in the midst of all the 80-pound girls around me.

When I returned home, my mom put me in a new school to finish my high school career. I discovered boys, and they discovered me, but sometime over the course of those 2 years, I gradually added on weight, finishing high school at 180 pounds. Because I was tall, I still carried it well. But it was still there. I remember the air force recruiter came to recruit graduates, and I could not qualify because the maximum weight for girls in my category was 160 pounds. I couldn't even serve my country!

So I went off to college. My first time on my own, unmonitored. Now, the running belief is that girls gain the "Freshman 15" their first year of college. But I think for me it was more like the "Freshman 30". It was during my freshman year that I also discovered alcohol, so most of my activities, including how much I actually gained that year, are pretty hazy. In fact, all of college for me was pretty hazy. I partied. I drank. I tried some drugs. I do know I tipped the 200 mark at some point. I lost my high school boyfriend, who on his last visit casually suggested I run the trail around the campus.

After the 5 years it took me to graduate from college, I moved out to Los Angeles, the land of the beautiful. I was weighing in at around 220. The chunky girl at the office. In LA, anything over a size 2 is pushing it. Size 0 is the size of choice, and I also learned that there is something called Size 00. This blew me away. I was happy when I was a size 8, and girls in LA aren't happy unless they are a 00?

Part of my problem is that I am actually pretty fashion forward. I can help dress my skinny friends in ways they never conceived. I just can't pull that look off on myself because I can't fit anything. Shopping for me is a very depressing thing. In my head, I picture myself normal. I picture myself in these normal, cute clothes. But by the time I am trying them on and realizing they don't fit, I get severly depressed. I realize that the vision in my head and my reality are not the same thing. My only shopping salvation is shoes. I have tons of cute shoes, mostly heels. But a fat girl in high heels? It doesn't look right, and to be honest, it doesn't feels so good carrying 250 pounds on just your toes. My goal is to look good in high heels and nothing else!

Now, after 10 years in LA and dieting ups and downs, here I am. Beginning this new, very public journey. So here's what you need to know:

Week 1:

Age: 33
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 257
Size: 18-20
Goal Weight: 150
Pounds to lose: 107

So the journey begins...