Changes

I haven't been in the mood to write much. I haven't really been in the mood for anything. I'm... depressed. I've made a decision, and even though I think it will be for the best, I'm not excited about it.

Over the holidays, I made the solid decision to move back home. To Dallas. And it's breaking my heart.

Twelve years ago, I had so many ideas of what my life would be like in Los Angeles. I came out here ready for anything. Now, I think all those images in my mind have faded away, and a reality has set in. It's not so glamorous. It's not so fun. What it is, is really expensive. It is really frustrating. Sometimes, it's even a little sad, when you see your friends with their dreams that don't come true. Sometimes, it's your dreams that don't come true.

I thought that when I'd eventually leave Los Angeles, it would be for something bigger, something more... a career, a love.... but now, I'm just going home. I'm going back, and it feels backward. I'm going to be closer to my mom, who's 69 now. There is no career waiting for me. There is no great love waiting for me. There's... my mom... waiting for me.

I love my mom, as much as I can. Our relationship isn't the best. We talk almost everyday, but I hesitate to call her my friend. I wish that could be different, but we are a generation and a culture apart. Going home to be with her, while I am 34, never married, and with no children, feels like I am going home to become an old maid. All the friends that I left behind twelve years ago are now married, most with a few kids. There is no one that I can call to do anything with on a moment's notice, except of course, my mom.

The hardest part in all of this, is leaving Joe. I love him. I've loved him for years. But our relationship isn't moving forward. It's in a holding pattern, and I can't help but feel responsible. I'm too insecure, and I think it comes across. I wasn't like this when we met. If I dwell on this, I will just feel worse, so that's all I'm going to say about it for now...

Tomorrow is my last day of work at Bloomingdales. I will be leaving Los Angeles on February 17th. I will leave 12 years, 1 month, and17 days from the day I arrived. I'm a few pounds heavier, a few gray hairs older, but I'm not sure that I'm any wiser... I guess only time will tell. Time.

Week: 55

Weight: 238.2

Pounds gained: 3.0

Total pounds lost: 18.8

Goal: 150

Pounds to go: 88.2